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you considering adopting a baby?
Friends In Adoption is a licensed open
and compassionate adoption agency founded by an adoptive mother who saw that the
many needs of pregnant women/couples and prospective adoptive families were not
being met in adoption situations. Pregnant women/couples and prospective adoptive
families receive support and understanding from Friends in Adoption. Regardless
of your decision, YOU will be treated with kindness and respect. Click
Here to download our latest brochure "Thinking About Adoption?" (pdf
file). KAIROS
Written by Robert Smith, Social Worker Life
would be pretty boring for all of us if we did not have special events to look
forward to happening. But, it's just so hard to wait and wait and wait. I remember
as a child the anticipation of the holiday season. It seemed like a magical time
of year with the lights, the tinsel, the carols and most of all... the presents
and gifts that I hoped to find under the tree on Christmas morning. When
I was a child I was under the distinct impression that somehow it would never
get here soon enough. As the days slowly passed, mentally I'd note how many days
were left until it would finally happen. As I recall, even when I marked off the
days on the calendar, one by one, it didn't make things happen any sooner! At
the most, it just represented how much time I had already put in. When Christmas
finally arrived it seemed to flit by like in a twinkling of an eye! As I
grew older I learned that the Greeks had a helpful way to conceptualize time,
in the New Testament which was written in Koine or Marketplace Greek". The first
concept of time is represented by the word CHRONOS (which is the root word for
Chronological) meaning sequential time as in the numbered days on the calendar.
It is the term that one would use to say "we have been waiting for 12 months now
and nothing seems to be working out!" The second concept of time falls
in the realm of being the "ordained moment" or the "right time" for an event to
occur. The term used for this concept is KAIROS. In the context of New Testament
writings it referred to what was being perceived as the divinely appointed or
fulfilled hour for God's will to be realized. It occurs at just the right moment;
not too soon and not too late. This time happens when it is "supposed to happen".
It cannot be rushed or made to happen any sooner than it's supposed to. One might
even say that it "takes it's own sweet time"! Folks who have been involved
in the field of adoption are acutely aware that time can seem to take on a life
of it's own. Often even before arriving at the decision to pursue adoption, families
have put in their "time" doing infertility work in the hope of being able to conceive
their own child biologically. So, it's as if a great chronograph has been charting
the days, months, and years already. Add to this the time, energy, and money that
is invested in exploring and educating oneself about the alternative of adoption
and you realize there is another layer of time that has been consumed in the process.
This is not even mentioning the period of time it takes to connect with a pregnant
woman or birth couple and hope against hope that this is "finally going to work"
and that it will culminate in the placement of an infant or child with the family
seeking to adopt! It is easy to become swept up in this peculiar time zone,
which for lack of another term I will call "the adoptive time warp". When you
are in this space it seems as if everything is measured or conceptualized in relation
to the "arrival" of the child. I suppose in some ways it is parallel to the experience
that expectant parents have during pregnancy. However, often it seems that pre-adoptive
folks feel as if they have less control and thus feel they are more vulnerable
than folks who are pregnant. So, the waiting becomes ridden with anxiety. The
old adage "A watched pot never boils" is of little or no comfort when it is you
who is keeping the vigil. There is no way to avoid the reality of the wait however.
How one chooses to understand, measure, or approach this period makes a big difference.
It has been my experience that "CHRONOS" can at best only help measure how long
you have waited already. It is a terrific tool organizationally and we'd be lost
without it and it has its rightful place in our lives. However, I'd like to suggest
that the approach of KAIROS is much more conducive to maintaining a modicum of
balance and sanity in our lives in general and specifically in regards to negotiating
the adoption experience emotionally than "watching the calendar and clock." It
is perhaps humbling to see that at the most we can apply our best efforts, but,
ultimately things will happen in their own "good time". The acknowledgment that
we are not in control can be demoralizing from one vantage point. However, seen
from another place it can be an immense relief! Trusting that the process works
and that it will work in your situation helps to put things in their rightful
place in the overall scheme of life. Instead of focusing on what is missing, it
can free us to celebrate what is present and to fully embrace whatever the future
may have in store.
For permission to print please write: FIA, PO Box
1228, Middletown Springs, VT 05757 or call 1-802-235-2373 return
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