| The
questions below are provided by Michael Colberg, J.D., C.S.W. Michael Colberg
is a therapist, advocate, teacher and author who has worked with and on behalf
of LGBT parented adoptive families for many years. He was a founding co-director
of The Center For Family Connections - New York and a member of The Pre/Post Adoption
Consulting Team in cambridge, MA. He has private practicse in New York City and
in Dutchess County , NY. Michael also holds parenting workshops at Trowbridge
House in Millerton, New York. You can learn more about Michael's work at www.relatedbychoice.com
My partner and I have decided to adopt. What do you think is most important
that we know about adoption before we begin?
The single most important
thing to learn about adoption is that it is not an event. Adoption begins
with the placement of a child into an adoptive home and continues throughout the
lifetime of the family. Adoption is a form of relationship and relationships are
ongoing and change over time. When a child is moved out of one family and into
another, the child and both sets of parents face developmental tasks that are
important to recognize and acknowledge. In order for a child to grow up feeling
good about themselves they need to feel connected, valued and supported. This
includes learning to become connected to those pieces of themselves that come
from both nature and nurture. They need to make sense of who they are and how
they came to be adopted. They benefit from knowing who they look like, who they
act like and where their sense of humor comes from. They benefit from knowing
that although they are not being parented by their biological parents, they are
loved by them and were not rejected and discarded. LGBT prospective adoptive
parents often feel like they will have a harder time adopting than their heterosexual
counterparts. This is not necessarily true. Although it may be hard to resist
the temptation to adopt through whichever means appears to be fastest, it pays
off in the long run to wait until you identify a situation that you feel is right.
Take the time to explore the lifetime nature of adoption. Learn about how your
family's needs will change at various stages in your child's development. Take
the time to focus on what the differences are between one situation and another.
Take the time to remember that genetics play a significant part in who we grow
up to be. Children who are adopted are a product of nature and nurture. You would
not automatically form a partnership with the first person you date. Not every
situation is the right fit. There are many ways of becoming a family through adoption
and each one has its own set of characteristics. Take the time to learn about
which form of adoption feels like the best fit for you and your partner. The decisions
that you make now will be the decisions that you will live with for the rest of
your lives. Above all, resist keeping the focus on your right to adopt
and do as much as you can to learn about how adoption will affect you and your
child in the years ahead so that you can become the best parent that you can possibly
be. My lover and I are adoptive parents. Lately, our three year old
has been asking why she has no mommy, what should we tell her?
This question
offers parents an important opportunity. Underneath many questions is a child's
need to know that they are OK and that they fit in. Tell her that she does have
two parents. She has two fathers instead of a father and a mother. Tell the child
that families are made in different ways and tell her about the way that her family
was made. Let the child know that everyone who is born has a daddy and a mommy.
Her mommy is called a birthmother because she gave birth to her but is not parenting.
These discussions will happen over and over as the child develops more
cognitive awareness. Do not feel that you have one opportunity to explain. Adoptees
wrestle with many complex issues. Each set of questions should cue a parent to
the fact that the child has engaged, once again, with making sense of their story.
This process goes on and on. It is most important that parents create an environment
in which children feel that their questions are welcomed. If a child senses that
a parent is made uncomfortable by a question, they may not feel free to bring
it up again. It is also important to understand that difficult and often
painful feelings are a part of the story. It is not the parents' job to tie everything
up -in a happy package. It is their job to help the child learn how to manage
difficult feelings in a way that helps them learn to coexist with them. There
are many books out there that help parents explain adoption. I will mention one.
Tell Me A Real Adoption Story by B.J. Lifton helps parents to normalize their
child's adoption story. The book relates one (heterosexual) family's story as
a mother begins by trying to paint too pretty a picture of how her daughter came
into the family. The daughter lets her mother know that she is more interested
in the truth and the mother goes on to tell her daughter's real story. We advise
people to add their story to the book. People have always asked us how
we "got" our daughter. She is now seven years old and lately we have noticed that
she becomes uncomfortable when the subject comes up. How should we address her
discomfort. We don't want her to feel ashamed.
I want to commend you
for being sensitive to your daughter's feelings. Children's needs change over
time and your daughter is letting you know that she is feeling that she may need
to keep her story more private right now. This gives you the opportunity to discuss
with her the difference between secrecy and privacy. Feeling that something needs
to be kept secret often leads to feelings of shame and isolation that hurt self
esteem. Feeling that one has the right to pay attention to their need for privacy
at any given time supports feelings of entitlement and positive self esteem. Let
her know that you see where she's at and that you respect her letting you know.
Let her know that her story belongs to her and that it is her decision to make
about whether or not to share. Help her to understand that sometimes people feel
like talking about something and some other times they are feeling more private.
It's OK to pay attention to this. What's not so good is when someone wants to
talk about something and they feel embarrassed or afraid that they'll get teased
or laughed at. Let her know that she's able to ask for help when she has these
feelings.. Let her know that some things are hard to understand and that children
are learning how to make sense of things and have parents whose job it is to help.
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