Birth Parent Questions and Answers

Answer:

Hi, my name is Heidi and I placed my daughter for adoption when I was 21 years old. My situation was similar to yours now. Once my mom knew I was pregnant, she really pressured me to parent. I felt the same as you that I wasn't ready to raise a baby and I really wanted to finish college and being a parent would make that really hard. I didn't have a relationship any longer with the father so I had no help from him. I really had to tell my mom that I was trying to put my baby first and that was the most unselfish thing I could do for her because I wasn't ready. I was so lucky to find Friends In Adoption with the help of my aunt and I received a great deal of support from them. FIA is a small agency with a great big heart that helped me when I needed it most.

Your feelings aren't wrong and only you know what is right for your child and for you. Choosing adoption felt really right for me and it was just reinforced once my daughter was born and I saw the bond forming between her and the adoptive parents I had chosen for her. I had support from many people and my mother realized after time that I had done the right thing for my daughter and for me.

I can't make the decision for you but I can tell you that I had no regrets with my decision. She has 3 parents that love her very much and 2 of her parents are giving her all the opportunities I couldn't. I also did go back and graduate from college. I feel you should make the decision that feels right for you and there are people who will be there to support you if your family can't. I hope that this helps and you will be in my thoughts. Please, please keep in touch if you feel you need to talk some more. I wish all the best for you and your baby.

Heidi - A birth mother

Answer:

When my son was 2 , I placed my daughter for adoption. I told him that she had to go live with another family because this baby grew in their hearts for such a long time. At his age it was a suitable answer for him and eventually, as he got older and understood more, I could explain about the adoption.

As far as preparing yourself to do it......if you know in your heart it is the right thing to do you will do it. I would ask Friends In Adoption about free counseling for yourself. This will help prepare you and provide support for you. Also, with the help of your caseworker, make a plan for this adoption...along with the adoptive parents regarding the type of contact you want after placement. Whether you want an open adoption, where you see the child periodically as agreed upon by both parties or even a semi-open adoption where you correspond by mail, it is important to figure this out before the baby is born. Decide these things before placing your child and I think that will help in this transition.

Another thing that may help you is to write a letter to your child...the adoptive parents can hold on to the letter for you and let the child know it is there and at an appropriate age your child could sit down and read that letter......or the agency in which you are doing the adoption with can hold the letter for you....all your choice. Try and get connected with other women who have placed their children also....maybe even look in your area for a support group that deals with adoptions. I am sure Friends in Adoption can help you find these resources. I hope all of this can help you and it is what you are looking for.....I wish you all the best at such a difficult time in your life.

From Monique - A Birth Mother

Answer:

Absolutely, fathers can contact Friends In Adoption and that is what I did when my ex-girlfriend ended up pregnant after we broke up. I got tired of hearing everything secondhand so I called FIA's 800 number and told them who I was and I got to be included in the process.

Good Luck.

From Frank - Birth Father

Answer:

Because of my personal situation, I needed help with living arrangements. Friends In Adoption did locate a place where I could stay that was central to my doctor's office, sopping and other locations that I would need access to. The agency is the best source of how the financial peace or legal aspect of paying for my room and board as well as other expenses.

From Heidi - A Birth Mother

Answer:

Placing my child for adoption was a decision I had thought about alot while I was pregnant and I knew that's what I wanted for my baby. I was unable to give him or her all that they needed. I was lucky and got to meet the adoptive parents that I chose for my baby and form a relationship with them for 3 months. They were there at our daughter's birth. I spent 3 days with my daughter and her adoptive parents in the hospital. I got to see them form that parent/child bond and that was really special. I really felt like I had made the right choice and since I knew where she was going to be over the years that just made it better.

But I had a really difficult time afterwards and fell apart. I never felt guilt or selfishness about placing my daughter. I felt sadness and I really missed my daughter and her adoptive parents. Counseling helped some but what helped the most was getting pictures and information from her parents on a regular basis. I got pictures until she turned 5 years old and seeing how beautiful she was and hearing how she was doing really helped me realize I made the right choice for her and for myself.

I hope this answers your questions.

From Heidi - A Birth Mother

Answer:

This perspective was written by an adoptee (who was 13 at the time) about her birth mother Ellen.

I admire my birth mother, Ellen, for her heroic characteristics. She has done so many wonderful and courageous things in her life for me, for her family, and for mine.

My birth mother, Ellen, is a music teacher in Texas. She teaches children how to play in an orchestra in five different elementary schools. She also plays the viola in the Symphony Orchestra. She lives with her husband. They have a son who is five and a dog named Sasha.

Some positive aspects of being a hero are that people see heroes as role models and look up to them. People trust heroes to be there and to keep secrets and to listen and understand them. Some negative aspects are that people expect things from heroes that they don't expect from other people. This makes it hard for the heroes to always live up to those expectations.

I look at Ellen as a hero because she has done a lot of courageous things in her life. First of all, she made an adoption plan for me to live with parents who could take better care of me. This was courageous because she loves me greatly and knew that she would miss me. Another courageous thing is that she is not afraid to write and talk to me. For example, one summer my family and I went to her home to visit her.

Also, she is supportive of me and understanding of my feelings. She is friendly and kind. I can depend on her to be there. She supports me by listening and understanding. She is caring because she always says "I love you!" at the end of every phone call.

She perseveres because she continued with her career in music, even with her other job and her family! She is a hard worker because she has two jobs and a family to take care of. She is intelligent because she is really good at music and teaching.

She is brave because she flew all the way to Vermont for the adoption of me. She persevered with the adoption even though a lot of people told her she should not do the adoption. She is also trustworthy because she kept her word when she was doing the adoption plan and still gave me to my parents.

The main reason I think Ellen is a hero is because I think of heroes as ordinary people who do extraordinary things. Ellen is an ordinary person, with an ordinary family, but yet she did a courageous and extraordinary thing to make everyone happy.

Beth