1. Question:
Hi, I am 19 years old, and I am pregnant with my first baby girl and I am
due very soon. I am very scared because I am not sure what to do. I am considering
adoption, but my family and friends are not. They keep telling me they will be
there to help me but I just can't see myself raising a baby right now . I really
don't want my child to grow up without a father like I did. My kid's father will
not be around at all, and I know how painful that is. I want to do more with my
life besides have a baby. I don't know if I am wrong to feel this way. What would
you do? Answer:
Hi, my name is Heidi and
I placed my daughter for adoption when I was 21 years old. My situation was similar
to yours now. Once my mom knew I was pregnant, she really pressured me to parent.
I felt the same as you that I wasn't ready to raise a baby and I really wanted
to finish college and being a parent would make that really hard. I didn't have
a relationship any longer with the father so I had no help from him. I really
had to tell my mom that I was trying to put my baby first and that was the most
unselfish thing I could do for her because I wasn't ready. I was so lucky to find
Friends In Adoption with the help of my aunt and I received a great deal of support
from them. FIA is a small agency with a great big heart that helped me when I
needed it most. Your feelings aren't wrong and only you know what is right
for your child and for you. Choosing adoption felt really right for me and it
was just reinforced once my daughter was born and I saw the bond forming between
her and the adoptive parents I had chosen for her. I had support from many people
and my mother realized after time that I had done the right thing for my daughter
and for me. I can't make the decision for you but I can tell you that I
had no regrets with my decision. She has 3 parents that love her very much and
2 of her parents are giving her all the opportunities I couldn't. I also did go
back and graduate from college. I feel you should make the decision that feels
right for you and there are people who will be there to support you if your family
can't. I hope that this helps and you will be in my thoughts. Please, please keep
in touch if you feel you need to talk some more. I wish all the best for you and
your baby.
Heidi
2.
Question:
I have decided to place my baby for adoption. I know
the type of family that I want to adopt my child, and I am sure I am making the
right decision. It is still incredibly hard, especially because I have no real
support . Is there anything I can do to make this a little easier for both me
and my 2 year old daughter? Answer:
When my
son was 2 , I placed my daughter for adoption. I told him that she had to go live
with another family because this baby grew in their hearts for such a long time.
At his age it was a suitable answer for him and eventually, as he got older and
understood more, I could explain about the adoption. As far as preparing
yourself to do it......if you know in your heart it is the right thing to do you
will do it. I would ask Friends In Adoption about free counseling for yourself.
This will help prepare you and provide support for you. Also, with the help of
your caseworker, make a plan for this adoption...along with the adoptive parents
regarding the type of contact you want after placement. Whether you want an open
adoption, where you see the child periodically as agreed upon by both parties
or even a semi-open adoption where you correspond by mail, it is important to
figure this out before the baby is born. Decide these things before placing your
child and I think that will help in this transition. Another thing that
may help you is to write a letter to your child...the adoptive parents can hold
on to the letter for you and let the child know it is there and at an appropriate
age your child could sit down and read that letter......or the agency in which
you are doing the adoption with can hold the letter for you....all your choice.
Try and get connected with other women who have placed their children also....maybe
even look in your area for a support group that deals with adoptions. I am sure
Friends in Adoption can help you find these resources. I hope all of this can
help you and it is what you are looking for.....I wish you all the best at such
a difficult time in your life.
From Monique - A Birth
Mother 3. Question:
My girlfriend
is pregnant and we are boh unsure about what we want to do. Can a father contact
an adoption agency or is it only for mothers? Answer:
Absolutely, fathers can contact Friends In Adoption and that is what I did when
my ex-girlfriend ended up pregnant after we broke up. I got tired of hearing everything
secondhand so I called FIA's 800 number and told them who I was and I got to be
included in the process.
Good Luck.
From Frank
- Birth Father 4. Question:
I
heard that you can get help with your living expenses while you're pregnant. I'm
not sure if its through the adopting parents or the agency. Any information? Answer:
Because of my personal situation, I needed help with living arrangements. Friends
In Adoption did locate a place where I could stay that was central to my doctor's
office, shopping and other locations that I would need access to. The agency is
the best source of how the financial piece or legal aspect of paying for my room
and board as well as other expenses.
From Heidi - A
Birth Mother 5. Question:
What
was it like to give up your baby? Did you get to see him/her? At any stage, did
you feel any guilt or selfishness? Answer:
Placing my child for adoption was a decision I had thought about alot while I
was pregnant and I knew that's what I wanted for my baby. I was unable to give
him or her all that they needed. I was lucky and got to meet the adoptive parents
that I chose for my baby and form a relationship with them for 3 months. They
were there at our daughter's birth. I spent 3 days with my daughter and her adoptive
parents in the hospital. I got to see them form that parent/child bond and that
was really special. I really felt like I had made the right choice and since I
knew where she was going to be over the years that just made it better. But
I had a really difficult time afterwards and fell apart. I never felt guilt or
selfishness about placing my daughter. I felt sadness and I really missed my daughter
and her adoptive parents. Counseling helped some but what helped the most was
getting pictures and information from her parents on a regular basis. I got pictures
until she turned 5 years old and seeing how beautiful she was and hearing how
she was doing really helped me realize I made the right choice for her and for
myself. I hope this answers your questions.
From
Heidi - A Birth Mother 6. Question:
How do adopted children feel about their birth parents? Answer:
This perspective was written by an adoptee (who was 13 at the time) about her
birth mother Ellen. I admire my birth mother, Ellen, for her heroic characteristics.
She has done so many wonderful and courageous things in her life for me, for her
family, and for mine. My birth mother, Ellen, is a music teacher in Texas.
She teaches children how to play in an orchestra in five different elementary
schools. She also plays the viola in the Symphony Orchestra. She lives with her
husband. They have a son who is five and a dog named Sasha. Some positive
aspects of being a hero are that people see heroes as role models and look up
to them. People trust heroes to be there and to keep secrets and to listen and
understand them. Some negative aspects are that people expect things from heroes
that they don't expect from other people. This makes it hard for the heroes to
always live up to those expectations. I look at Ellen as a hero because
she has done a lot of courageous things in her life. First of all, she made an
adoption plan for me to live with parents who could take better care of me. This
was courageous because she loves me greatly and knew that she would miss me. Another
courageous thing is that she is not afraid to write and talk to me. For example,
one summer my family and I went to her home to visit her. Also, she is supportive
of me and understanding of my feelings. She is friendly and kind. I can depend
on her to be there. She supports me by listening and understanding. She is caring
because she always says "I love you!" at the end of every phone call. She
perseveres because she continued with her career in music, even with her other
job and her family! She is a hard worker because she has two jobs and a family
to take care of. She is intelligent because she is really good at music and teaching. She
is brave because she flew all the way to Vermont for the adoption of me. She perservered
with the adoption even though a lot of people told her she should not do the adoption.
She is also trustworthy because she kept her word when she was doing the adoption
plan and still gave me to my parents. The main reason I think Ellen is a
hero is because I think of heroes as ordinary people who do extraordinary things.
Ellen is an ordinary person, with an ordinary family, but yet she did a courageous
and extraordinary thing to make everyone happy.
Beth | 
