“I Just don’t have Time for You”
It’s 4:30 a.m. and I need to get out of bed by 5:30 a.m. This hour is essential because I need time to think, time to prioritize the day. I’m tired because I also went to bed too late. The goody bags needed to be packed, and now I will be grumpy and impatient. There is no slack on my critical path.
My head aches. My hair wilts, my skin is dry from exhaustion and neglect, my brain is bored and lonely, my body soft from too many days of tending to children with colds and homework and sibling rivalry, and too few days tending to myself. I am not the person I once was and I miss her. The well rested, competent professional, relied on for judgement and decision making, praised for performance, future bright.
“I just don’t have time for you,” can’t you see? I desperately want to take a shower and have a good cry. I want the “best decision I ever made” to walk through the door after work and see his life partner in control, composed, beautiful, waiting with open arms. “I just don’t have time for you” because your needs are unending and my resources are low.
But the love is ferocious, and when you intuitively know that mommy needs a minute, and you offer some silence and a little space, I walk toward you instead of away, further in, instead of out.
You are here and you are exactly where I want you to be. There is no reality greater than what I have now with you. You are the teacher. I did not give you a mom, you created her. With your grace and your love, you took away what I knew, what I relied on and everything that made me comfortable and you gave me you.
A memory is scratching the surface… Dawn saying in pre-adoption workshops… “Enjoy the wait. Take that vacation. There won’t be as much time later on”.
She is right. Enjoy the wait. Take that vacation. You will have nothing left of what you once were. And you won’t care.
A Loving Mom