Picture yourself in this situation. You’re ready to spend some quality time with your bestie … sharing a meal, going for drinks, watching a movie, just talking. You’re probably not prepared when your friend drops the news in your lap that they’re unexpectedly pregnant.
You may be caught off-guard and not know how to react. But your friend needs you and trusts you enough to share this major news. Here are some suggestions for how to handle the news that “my friend is pregnant.”
How you react to this news is crucial, so observe your friend for cues as to how they’re handling it. If they’re happy and excited, you can mirror that. But chances are they’re scared, nervous, and unsure what to do. In that case, being a calm, supportive presence will help your friend. Specifically:
One of the best things you can do for your friend is to ask how they’re feeling. Then let them talk and just listen. It’s good for your friend to talk, and by listening you’ll learn what concerns them most.
As much as you can, don’t offer advice, be judgemental, or interrupt. Let your friend talk. Of course if they ask for your advice, offer your initial thoughts but try not to tell them what to do. Instead, encourage them to make their own decisions.
Let your friend know you’re there to be supportive – however they decide to move forward. You can offer to go with them to appointments as well as meetings with family members, other friends, and the baby’s father. This is a good time to remind them of how strong and capable they are.
You can suggest your friend consider the three options for handling an unplanned pregnancy.
There are lots of issues to consider with each of these. Your friend may already be considering them and have thoughts and feelings about them.
Listen carefully to their thinking, but keep in mind that making a quick decision may not be the best thing right now. Encourage them to take some time to think through the options and consider if there are other people to bring into the conversation.
Adoption means carrying a baby to term, giving birth, and then placing the infant permanently with another family. It’s a major life decision.
If your friend decides to handle their unplanned pregnancy by placing the baby for adoption our first recommendation is that they work with an ethical, reputable adoption agency. This ensures they’ll have a lot of control throughout the process. The adoption agency’s staff can help as your friend sorts through a number of decisions.
If they decide to work with us at Friends in Adoption (FIA), our well-versed, compassionate counselors will explain the options available and answer questions. We never try to exert influence in any way.
A major choice your friend can make is the type of adoption they want: open, closed or semi-open.
In an open adoption, the adoptive and birth families share information and may talk or correspond with each other during and after the adoption. That said, it’s important to note that no two open adoptions are alike.
Ongoing contact may be in the form of visits and phone calls or it could mean photos, cards, letters, emails and texts. Open adoption arrangements include a variety of types of contact shared between parties, depending on the desires of the birth parents and the adoptive family.
Your friend can meet with or talk to the adoptive family before the birth if they’re interested in doing that.
In a closed adoption the identities of the adoptive family and birth mother remain confidential. There is no contact prior to or after the placement of the child. Communication between parties may go through an attorney or adoption agency until the child reaches legal age (18-21, depending on the state).
Closed adoptions are not as popular as they once were but are the best choice for some. For example, some birth parents want a closed adoption to provide a sense of closure. Also, if your friend is dealing with an abusive relationship, minimizing contact can be in everyone’s best interests. And of course, if a birth mother chooses not to share news of the pregnancy and adoption plan, closed adoption may make it easier to maintain privacy.
There is a middle ground between open and closed adoption – a semi-open relationship. This type of arrangement may involve limited contact after placement. The specifics of the plan are based on the needs and wants of the birth parents and adoptive family.
Whatever type of adoption is best for your friend, we recommend they set down their wishes in an adoption plan. As the birth mother, your friend has a lot of control in the adoption process. An adoption plan will spell out where they stand on:
No matter where you are in the United States, our compassionate and knowledgeable adoption professionals are there for your friend, offering free, confidential adoption services. We are experienced counselors and offer ongoing support to your friend as they move through the process of weighing options and making decisions.
At Friends in Adoption we promote adoption relationships based on trust, honesty, and mutual responsibility. Reach out to us. We’ll help guide your friend through their decision-making.